More often than not those of us that are in Hospitals, injured, afflicted with a deadly disease, or recently disabled are put in the position of making those around us Feel Better. You can recognize this when you hear the patient say – I will be OK, or Things are not that bad.
Often that is true when the person has non-life changing issues. Broken hand, arm, leg, etc. for example.
When the diagnosis is a level that presents a life change: loss of limb, loss of function, deadly disease, like Cancer, or mental function the interactions with those around us becomes very different.
Patients need to feel normal, safe, and unchanged. This is part of their reaction form called grief.
The usual steps of grief are:
- Denial: No I don’t have a problem.
- Anger: No, not me!
- Bargaining: If I do this then……
- Depression: Why me, why now?
- Acceptance: I get it so will work on it.
Do we all do each step? No. In order? Not really. Only once per step? Nope.
In my opinion each of these steps, with the exception of Depression, include some level of the patient making an effort to comfort those surrounding them.
Maybe it is because the other person(s) don’t know what to say, say the wrong thing, assume the worst, or simply ramble about nothing. Personally I have experienced this on two occasions at least. Both family members. Both passed shortly after our last encounter. Hard lesson for me on how to interact.
The latter was while I was on a Cancer remission. I actually had learned the basic tenet of being quiet and for a previous job. He had trouble speaking as he had a stroke but I mostly did remain quiet unless reacting to what he said. As simple as it sounds it was an extremely uncomfortable skill to demonstrate. I wanted to reassure him, comfort him with positive outcome statements but knew in my heart they would be false.
The few words we did share were of remembrances of our younger years. To his credit he did not express any of the above noted steps of grief. At least not when I was there.
Now step into my reaction with my recent, 2nd, Cancer. It is not curable, only treatable, and although aggressive not to the stage, yet, ever?, that would take me out.
I stepped right into Acceptance with a few, still, short bouts of depression. While accurate to call it depression I was only being honest with myself realizing that at 72 my life time was not the 50 plus years as it was when I had my first Cancer. And some of that depression was triggered by the country’s turmoil with SARS-Cov-2 and political division.
Friends, some family, and neighbors that are framily (friends/family) check on me and my wife. Often they simply ask How are you?
So what am I recommending or offering up?
Even though you know the patient, no matter how deeply you know them, you do not know where they are mentally. What state are they in or for that matter stages of the grief cycle. They themselves might not know.
So do something that is very difficult. Tell them you are there for them and truly mean it. Then comes the really hard part – be quiet and listen to them!
Being quiet gives you the opportunity to watch them and react if necessary. They might want to talk so let them, they might want to watch TV, again let them. While watching TV they might laugh appropriately or not, but join them laughing.
The hardest part is to be quiet if they are quiet. They are processing. How they feel about their situation and about how they feel about you and your being there. When they are comfortable with you eventually they will talk.
Do not be judgemental or contradict them. Just listen and respond if they ask. Unless you are a medical professional skilled in their situation do not offer advice. Just be there for them!
To be there for them is work, to be quiet is hard work, and to not judge or offer opinions is even harder. You must be sincere and if you say you will do something then follow through.
So back to the initial question: Why must the patient make others feel better? Mostly because the other person doesn’t listen to the patient and says sorry or the like. We patients try to comfort them and be normal.
Patients need support, sincere and consistent support.
My Odyssey with Cancers 